I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
