She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
