I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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