I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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