They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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