i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Holy sore nipples Batman
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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