So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
