Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My cat gives me a boner
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize