My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My dick has a subreddit
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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