I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
