Swine flu. Run for my life!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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