put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
