So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I have peed in a lot of sinks
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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