drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
