positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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