I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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