dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
