I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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