Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
