please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Randomize
