So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
