My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I did not marry a roomba.
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