Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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