So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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