Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
