Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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