Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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