I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Randomize
