you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize