I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
