if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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