I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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