if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
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