it hurts more in the daytime
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
