I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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