I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
