hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
