I hate your face
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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