I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
