Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
