i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize