the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
false alarm, still single
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