I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
