foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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