he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
