I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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