You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
