so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
