There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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