why didn't you poke me back
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
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