What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
