My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
someone get that fucking seahorse.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
