I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
