why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
