thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
