im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
