I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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